A Man's Words

I am free. For a whole week. This is day four of actual freedom - well, as close as it comes. I’ve been preparing heartwarming, post rehearsal (or ‘sitting around all day’ in my case) dinners and have poured perhaps a little too much energy into that. Yesterday we had chicken and vegetable stew with biscuits, gravy and grits a la Cheshire cheese and pepperberry. Followed by some more of the butterscotch chocolate meringue kisses I made a day or two ago. 

So freedom allows me time to do the things I want to do, like excessively complicated cooking. What I most want to do is, as ever, write. I even know what I want to write. On day one (ok, maybe day two) I made a list of possible creative projects with pros and cons for each and settled on my webseries. It is achievable, it has a solid idea as foundation and will eventually encourage collaboration. But my writing process is slow. It involves watching things I want my writing to be like, I’ve found. Originally I thought I was procrastinating (and there is an element of that) but actually the things I’ve watched have elements in common with my elusive project.

I started with lots of The Office Season 8. I have loved this series since partway through Season 1 (I believe that preceding phrase contains the definition of series and season for anyone like me who used to be confused). The thing I have always loved the most (and I love a lot of things about that show) is the blooper reel on the DVD boxsets. I do love bloopers in general  but what I see in those snapshots is a group of friends having immense, intense amounts of fun. And it comes through in the show. That’s what I want - that fun, and a group of people having it.

I watched The League of Gentlemen’s Apocalypse. It is dark, it is postmodern, it shines a new light on characters you thought you knew and it comes from a group of people having a lot of fun together.

Today I watched Mirrormask. It is a flawed film set in a beautiful fantasy world from two of my favourite geniuses, Neil Gaiman and Dave McKean. I’m not looking to make a flawed project or anything so clearly focused on design but I do want the courage to make something very personal and let the fantasy live without explaining it.

During the days I’ve been watching these things I have been making notes and clearly making an intellectual mood for myself. Strangely, the other film I have laid out to watch is The Hurt Locker. Having not watched it yet, I don’t know how it fits in but I guess we’ll find out.

The words I speak of are not faulty, broken or duplicates; they are merely coming back from a six month sojourn (or longer, I haven’t seen when the last post on this blog was, everything has been on timneystewart.wordpress.com for a while).

I’m currently sitting in a conservatory looking out at quite a beautiful day.  There is little on my mind except the desire to create something.  While I was in Australia I did only a very little in the way of creation.  Earning money, travelling and you know, doing actual stuff somewhat got in the way.  Rachel and I have thoroughly planned out the plot, characters and position of songs for our musical and I did write some lyrics (and she some music) so all is not expressively lost.  But I haven’t written anything whole or complete since leaving.

So, today is the day (like so many other of my days) when I’m going to put finger to key and get something down.  I was starting to feel that our lives being on hold for the wedding next week was a bad thing, I was desperate to get set up in Edinburgh and get the job hunt going.  But the wedding is actually happening and means a delay to the start of this next Edinburgh chapter and some free time, particularly while I’m still in Scotland (until Tuesday).  So, today is the day.

I’ve been watching a lot of TV since we arrived (the best jetlag cure there is, except sleeping on the flight and soldiering through the first day - both also achieved) and some portion of it has been poorly written.  Everything from new sitcoms (Me and Mrs Jones) to big budget blockbusters (Green Lantern) have raised my writer’s ire (wrire?) with lazy characterisation and lack of understanding of what makes for a satisfying story.

Rachel and I had a long debate one evening, post theatrical entertainment, about the difference between story and plot (message/journey and events respectively in my definition) but you need both to be engaging and believable, within whatever framework you’re in.  So, Green Lantern - you have a ring that can create whatever the wearer imagines and don’t even bother to address how complex that is.  You just make chainsaws and fighter jets and big fists come from a poorly drawn bad boy come good.  And Me and Mrs Jones (and Hebburn to a lesser extent) - you’re trying to make people care about characters to keep them watching but you write dialogue that distances and situations that have been seen before with no spark of interest from any part of the show.

It is obvious that I have strong opinions about what is wrong with much of what I see (equally what is right, where it is right - new Walking Dead S3 established a huge amount of story AND plot, wordlessly, in the opening few minutes and I was transfixed).  But I’m still not sure I can translate this to writing something that would actually satisfy me.  The only way to find out is to start.

I’m at my desk. I haven’t been at this (one of three desks in this flat) for quite some time. It is free of clutter again after last week’s efforts with Rachel to pack up the flat. I can see my back garden from here and now also rain. 

Today is an unexpected day of complete freedom as some filming was postponed to tomorrow night. I say complete freedom; I have two stand up sets to write, ideas for the aforementioned filming to come up with, lines to learn and characters to try to inhabit. Also there is a possibility of a Skype writing session for Ted and Henry the Musical later. But nothing admin wise. No work. No tidying. And I’ve also recently finished two boxsets I was watching so that temptation isn’t there. It’s all about creation today. Hopefully.

As usual blogging is my inroad to writing. I’m being distracted by the sun on my face and a Walk off the Earth playlist I found on YouTube currently though. And I’m hungry. There’s always something.

Lo and behold.  I am once again in a mental position requiring the writing of a blog entry.  This time, dear reader, I’m worried about an audition I’m going to in four hours time.  Not worried about what I might have to do, just trying to fight the small part of me that knows it would be easier just to forget it.  If I don’t go there is no chance of disappointment afterwards.  But of course, as I know from 22 years of experience, not doing things leads to something far worse than disappointment, regret.  And frustration. 

There’s always a reason not to do things.  At the moment I am 68 days away from a 6 month trip to Australia with the person I plan to spend the rest of my life with.  Because that is looming I feel less motivated to do the things I need to do to fulfil my creative side.  I haven’t written a sketch since August and the break up of Who is Jean?, I haven’t written stand up this year yet, in fact social media statuses and this blog are the sum total of my writing in 2012.  This isn’t good enough for someone who wants to make a career out of this stuff.

I watched the incredible film Monsters 2 nights ago.  A film made essentially by one man and a crew of four.  Gareth Edwards had trained at film school and had 5 years of a VFX career to get to that point but he made a film to rival (and beat in most cases) the biggest Hollywood blockbusters.  I can do that too, if I ACTUALLY GET DOWN TO WRITING AND FILMING. 

It is hard work.  It is so much easier to let tidying the flat, cooking, working, planning a trip to Australia, going to the cinema, watching DVDs come first but I know that in the moments when I sit down because I’ve finished folding the clothes or washing the dishes the only thing in my head is, why didn’t I write that stand up set?  Why is that short film script unfilmed?  To have a happy life, I personally must have creative output along with everything else.  I do not operate without these things.

So, I will go to this audition.  And most likely have a few days of worry about getting in and possibly another day of feeling down if I don’t.  But it will be worth it because I will have done something to fuel my artistic desires.  And maybe in the days of worry, I’ll write a new joke or pick up my camera.

I didn’t get in to the musical I auditioned for and I am very disappointed.  I shouldn’t be, the very fact I auditioned at all would have shocked the me of even six months ago and it some small way it does delight the me of now.  And I did get to the callback stage.  But I can’t help feeling I’m not good enough.

There are things I can blame - I’m an outsider to the group I auditioned for and so would presumably have to work harder to get noticed in auditions and callbacks.  That just means I should have worked harder.  I’ve also never had any voice training whatsoever and in fact had not sung properly in front of anyone until the night before my audition.  Even doing that was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done so I need to keep this in perspective, that is an achievement in itself.  But still.

I loved (most of) the experience of being in The Elephant Man, particularly the structure in which to perform and the chance to do that AND be singing seemed perfect.  I have limited time left in this country before moving to Australia for 6 months and having another show under my belt would have looked better when trying to do the same thing out there.  But this was not meant to be.  What’s for you will not go by you and all that.  But I’m still fucking blue.

Ok, plan of action.  Get writing on mine and Rachel’s own musical.  This should spur me on.  Get writing on sketches for the next We Happy Few show, another important act of collaboration.  Get writing on new characters and new pieces for existing characters for stand up.  In essence, GET WRITING.  But first, I have tedious things to do today.  As ever.

Just a quick update using my new phone. Not so quick from a typing perspective but I’m getting there. I’ve decided today not to go to the auditions at Bedlam in order to focus on my character stand up with We Happy Few and my writing of Ted and Henry the Musical with Rachel. I’m starting to realise the limited time there is before leaving the country in April. So I must prioritise. OK, that’s enough Blackberry typing practise for now. Adieu.

I’m not quite sure what to write but am certain of the need to.  I was in a car accident.  That makes it all sound a little overblown I think.  It is true that a motorbike and my car interacted physically to their mutual detriment but no-one was injured more seriously than a chipped tooth and sprained ankle on the part of the motorcyclist.  Both vehicles are unlikely to survive the accident and the image of a yellow Honda sliding into the bottom of the door beside me is unlikely to leave my mind but it all feels a little too small for describing it as a car accident. Too small and too real.  It really happened.

I think that’s what I’ve found difficult to deal with.  This isn’t a dream or a TV show and there is no reset button.  We collided and life has spun off from that.  Mostly speaking to insurance company representatives.  Real life has impinged on my usual obsessions of not writing enough or regretting missed opportunities.  The dazed feeling of shock was an odd sensation.  I’ve spun off the road while a passenger in a car due to ice before but there were no repercussions there.  We were driving off again within half an hour, shaken of course, but we continued and there was no upshot necessarily.  But here, things have been destroyed, people affected and lives have been changed, in however minor a way.

I’m not through processing yet but find it worthwhile to note thoughts as I go.  The pain in my right side is a sign that things in my brain and consciousness are returning to some kind of normality I suppose.  As is my impending work shift tomorrow morning.  Nothing brings you back to real life quite like having to say the same words you’ve said to thousands of people thousands of times before.  And so, I go.  To bed.  In Edinburgh.  With no car outside.

Regret is something I have often suffered.  Not of things that have happened or that I have done but of the opposite, of the lack.  Of the having not.

I’m feeling low having come from my first experience of an actual theatrical production in The Elephant Man at Bedlam Theatre.  It was a wonderful experience and has truly changed the way I see stage performance and my part in it.  But my low mood comes from my disbelief at never having done any of this before. 

Edinburgh is full of opportunities to perform and I did not get involved.  I know about them now but perhaps I didn’t then.  Why did the me of anything from 9 years ago not pursue these things?  I had the same burning desire and passion for theatre and comedy and musicals then but not the confidence that has now provided my impetus.  So it all falls to confidence. 

I could blame my schooling, not a single opportunity to perform in any other way than through playing a musical instrument.  No drama department or club, no school shows (despite a full stage) and no inkling from anywhere that performance was a possibility.  Perhaps if I had said something to someone about my desires, I might have found out more.  So again, it all falls to confidence to assert things I knew about myself.

Regret is powerful.  And useless.  What can it bring me?  Perhaps some motivation to always express my desires but such negative motivation is much less useful than simply knowing the happiness that having done it brings.  I will be auditioning for the next round of Bedlam shows.  And for anything else that seems a possibility.  And regretfully, I will never be free of regret.